(9:41 PM) | Anonymous:

Sometimes When Life Is Starting To Suck, You Just Have To Expose Yourself

• When I was 3 I fell in to the toilet, ever since then, for some reason, I've felt it necessary to show the pictures to everyone I've ever known.
  
  
• Girls. Any contact I have ever had with any girl in my entire life.
  
  
• The numerous times I thought I had been following my dad in shopping malls, airports and other places as a young one, and gone to give him a hug, or hold his hand or something, only to find that it was a total stranger dressed in a similar shirt to my dad's.
  
  
• I used to routinely come out of restrooms with my pants at my knees screaming my parents names when I couldn't get them buttoned as a 4-5 year old.
  
  
• The first dinner my parents had at their new church in Flint I had said "I hate that" whenever any food dish was passed my way. This of course was terribly embarrassing for the new pastor's family. He told me to politely say "No Thank You" next time instead. The next sunday at another couples house, when we were done with prayer I pointed to everything on the table, one by one, and said "no thank you, no thank you, no thank you."
  
  
• The VERY NEXT sunday we had about 4 families from the church over. I was in my room and wanted to try and impress them, so I thought I'd tell them all a poem I had heard from school and thought was religious. The poem was thus: Adam wore a fig leaf, Eve wore none at all, The fun began in autumn when the leaves began to fall.
  
  
• At Kindergarten one day I was telling Danny Murrow about the cool new Pogo Balls with various animal heads. He demanded that I buy him one. Tony Michael overheard the conversation and demanded I buy him one too. Both threatened no longer to associate with me if I didn't make it happen. I went home and desperately begged my mom to buy me two..she interrogated me about why in the world I'd want two of them, and then said no, which sent me into the worst crying fit of my life.
  
  
• At Danny Murrow's house later that year I was playing in the woods and got a branch..not a splinter, but an entire branch of a tree gorged in my knee seemingly 2-3 inches deep. It was probably about 2 feet long and shaped like a javelin. His mom somehow got it out, and asked me not to tell my mom or I wouldn't be allowed to play with Danny again, who I hated anyway.. I never did tell her, unless she's reading this now. My right knee to this day always hurts. Lord knows how infected it must be.
  
  
• I always walked to school with Megan Williams in 1st grade because she was probably my best friend. The older kids never got tired of asking whether she was my girlfriend, since in fact, she was a girl, and undeniably my friend.
  
  
• I got in a fight with Jason Zudell over who had known Rebecca Case the longest, with Stephen Case officiating, as he was her cousin, and thus the clear winner. I don't know why this happened. I've never really known Rebecca that well, even when we were younger, though, of course, she's a great person from what I do know.
  
  
• The time at Camp Meeting when Stephen Case and myself happened to be in the snack bar while this girl had just broken up with her boyfriend. She was probably 16 or 17, and decided she'd start calling us, 2 grade school kids her "boyfriends." From then on she'd come running out of her campsite anytime we rode by on our bikes yelling "SMOOCHKUMS!!!" and we would peddle as fast as we possibly could.
  
  
• In about 2nd grade I got in a fight with Josh Lucas (I think) during Vacation Bible School and told him my dad could kick his family out of the church if I told him to. I called it "Excrunation" or something similar. Sorry Josh.
  
  
• Every time I ever told Stephen Case to do something or I "Won't be your friend anymore."
  
  
• In the 3rd grade someone, I still believe it to be Jason Shultz, left a note in Jessica Vore's box saying that I liked her. I adamantly denied it, and as only can happen in a "gifted/multi-age" classroom, an elaborate court scene was set up at recess since we had a red flag (meaning it was raining out.) Ed "Bulldog" Harris was the prosecuting attorney and brought all this evidence against me and I broke down in tears again until the counselor, Mrs. Neal, came over the PA and asked me to come down to her office. The kids thought I was in need of counseling due to their harrasment and all lined up to tell me how sorry they were as I walked out. It was actually just a regular yearly appointment where once a year each kid went down to her office and played Chutes & Ladders while talking about stuff, but I never told anyone that.
  
  
• While staying the night at Randy & Tony Klink's house with about 8 other friends his dad so scared me by yelling at us not to wake him up since he had to get up for work at 4, that I actually refused to go to the restroom even though I desperately had to, and instead fell asleep. I awoke to, of course, a puddle of my own urine, and the entire love seat I slept on dampened. I somehow got everyone out of the house without them noticing, but then 2 days later I made fun of Randy on the bus and he retorted with "At least I don't wet the bed on other people's couches! WE HAD TO THROW THAT LOVE SEAT OUT! GROSS!"
  
  
• The first time I saw a cricket close up I screamed with enough power to bring my mom and dad in from the backyard all the way down to the basement. I was probably 8 or 9.
  
  
• My parents went away on vacation and left me to stay at Justin Baker's. He was 3 years older than me, and thus the benchmark of coolness. I got mad at him for some reason when we were swimming in his neighbor's pool, and continued to dunk my head in and out of the water so that I couldn't hear him trying to apologize.
  
  
• Mike Munoz once came downstairs and caught me watching "Tailspin." For about 2 months afterwards he'd give the opening call of "OH EEE OH" from the Tailspin theme song about every time he saw me.
  
  
• When in the 3rd or 4th grade I was dropped from our neighborhood gang, "The Furgenstones," because I couldn't hang on Seth Dicaire's playset using only my fingertips for the required time. Not so much the act itself, but the fact I cried for about 24 hours straight afterwards.
  
  
• Immediately following the above incident I convinced Mike to form a seperate and rival gangwith me, "The Bros" and the laughable gang war that ensued until the eventual re-merging. Too many incidents are included in this to really go into detail.
  
  
• Okay..just one. Jacob Breckinridge, my next door neighbor and leader of The Furgenstones just got a new Machette and threatened me with it. I ran back into my house and grabbed a butter knife and made threatening motions with it until I got tired of everyone laughing at me.
  
  
• While jumping ramps on my bike with Jacob and Nathan Breckinridge after the reunification, I tried to do a complete flip and landed on my face. Which left a "ghotee" of scars around my mouth for about 6 months.
  
  
• In about 5th grade, for some reason the question of the neighborhood was whether or not I liked Lisa Boyce's cousin Stacey who had come to live with Lisa at her Grandma's for a few weeks. It eventually broke into 6 of my neighborhood friends circling me and chanting "Y OR N? Y OR N?!" (as in Yes or No). I tried to be witty and say "Why?" which succeeded only in sending everyone running into the house yelling "ooooooooohhh" and "HE LIKES HER HE LIKES HER!" and trying to get her to come outside.
  
  
• When playing baseball once, my babysitter, Chris Baker, told all my friends that the Desitin in the bathroom was for me. Which it was. DANGIT.
  
  
• In Sixth Grade I dressed up as a female, dress and all, for the role of Minerva in the classic retelling of the King Midas story, "A Touch Too Much."
  
  
• I was once "sock fighting" Ben Ramirez..meaning we both loaded up one sock with other socks, and accidentally got my sock stuck in his braces. Not realizing this I yanked it back..nearly ripping the whole thing out of his mouth, and costing his dad a fortune in dental work.
  
  
• I lost my two front teeth in a tragic Marco Polo incident while vacationing at Disney World. In addition, the bootleg dentist we had to go to down there gave me silver caps. I had to wear them for nearly 3 months. Take that Snoop.
  
  
• Ben's mom had a vase filled with about 8 ceramic flowers. Slowly but surely I managed to break every one of them somehow or another.
  
  
• In 6th grade 5 of us kids from church were going to go as the crew from Star Trek: The Original Series for halloween. I couldn't afford the real deal replica uniform, so I got the iron-on patches and a gold shirt to go as Captain Kirk. Unfortunately my mom put the patch on upside down, and I didn't even realize it till I was already at the party.
  
  
• When a few band kids in high school somehow remembered my 5th grade basketball nickname of "Shotgun Schuneman"
  
  
• During a marching band competition we came to the last set of the last song and everyone stood still. I was five yards off and slowly and dramatically marched over there in complete silence, at the front of the field, for the world to see. Our director rewound the video at least 5 times the next monday in class.
  
  
• Late as usual for church one sunday, I tried to tip-toe in during a video presentation. All of a sudden I tripped on something and fell to the ground and yelled "CRAP". Everything went silent, as what I had tripped on was the cord of the movie projector, thus shutting down the film. Everyone turned and looked my way as I got up and plugged it back in, and then they gave me a standing ovation.
  
  
• Sophomore year of high school I forgot my locker combination a total of 6 times. Upon the 6th time the secretary actually said "You have to be one of the dumbest kids ever to walk these halls."
  
  
• Desperate for a fourth player in the Gus Macker tournament, my friends and I went through AOL profiles looking for anyone from the Flint area with "basketball" in their profile and asking them. We actually got someone to say they'd play, and he gave us his number. Ron Blunt dialed the number and let it ring once before throwing the phone to me. The following conversation was about the most awkward thing in my entire life. To top it all off, none of us felt like going when the day came to play, so we just let him go up there by himself.
  
  
• At my senior Sadies Dance I accidentally danced the last dance with a girl other than the one I had came with. I also lost my boutanieer that night somehow before we even got to the dance, and I said practically nothing the entire time we danced because all I could think about was that I needed to say something. I think this might be why I hate myself the most.
  
  
• I called pirated computer software "Juarez" instead of "Warez" for about 3 years.
  
  
• While rooming with Adam Kotsko sophomore year I always shut my music off the second he'd walk in the door, out of fear of offending him. Of course, doing this offended him far more than any music ever could have.
  
  
• Summer after sophomore year Mark Miller went as if he was leaving my room, but slyly re-opened the door. I hit my chair with some force, making it do circles and yelled out "WOO!" and made a funny sort of dancing type motion before I realized I was being watched.
  
  
• I picked up the phone at work one day a few months ago after having a "theologic" discussion with a coworker and said "Impressions Printing, this is God, can I help you?"
  
  
• Just recently when I had not mowed the front lawn in so long that my neighbor across the street had his grandson come over and do it for me.
  
  

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