Wednesday, October 08, 2003
(11:36 AM) | Adam Kotsko:
America is over
That's right -- it's that big of a deal that Arnold However-you-spell-his-damn-last-name is now governer of California. Obviously, the governor of any given state is to blame for all problems in the state, especially price gouging by energy companies, the collapse of an economic bubble, the fact that voters stupidly made the state's tax structure highly inflexible, and the fact that the federal government is sending very little aid to the states. Thus, we can count on things to get even worse under an actor who, after forty years in the U. S., still can't manage to speak comprehensibly and who apparently spent a large chunk of the last twenty years sexually assaulting random women.
The voters have spoken -- enough sensible fiscal policy! Enough "taxes" and "government services"! Enough state-subsidized public education! Enough with all the bullshit! We want a governor who can kick some serious ass. Honestly, given the nuclear apocalypse that is about to strike once Iran gets its act together, I can't say they're wrong to make that choice. Long-term investment in making our nation a better place is kind of stupid when we're all going to die in a catastrophic terrorist attack. Because, of course, terrorist attacks are all the president's fault, and I think that Bush has a pretty poor track record of preventing terrorist attacks and of securing non-conventional weapons in countries that we know for a fact were developing such weapons at an alarming rate. If we're to believe the president's previous accounts of Iraq, then don't we have to believe that Saddam personally spirited off his nuclear weapons to France, where he has secretly been given asylum? The gun that can deliver smoke in the form of a mushroom cloud, since we have no doubt it existed, is still on the loose, in the hands of a man who will stop at nothing to destroy everything we hold dear (i.e., is evil).
And another thing: what's with all these people who think it's a good idea to hang out in the far left lane going the speed limit? And why do they absolutely never get over, even when the car behind them is tailgaiting them and the next lane to the right is completely clear? Are they trying to prove some kind of point? Do they think that they're teaching us traffic scoff-laws a lesson? Was there some aspect of their potty-training that led them to take great pleasure in being passed, repeatedly, on the right? If it's the last one, then we need to get these people some treatment so that they'll have a normal attitude toward traffic patterns. But no! Obviously Illinois governor Rod Blagojovich doesn't care about people with traffic-related neuroses, because as we've seen above, the chief executive of any level of government is directly to blame for any problems in said unit of government, because the governor has absolute power over all circumstances and thus can fix said problems if he's willing to put in the time and elbow grease.
Screw you, Blagojovich! Every time I have to pass some jackass on the right because they think that this is some kind of scenic drive when in fact it's an hour-long boring trip that I have to take twice a week, I will curse your name, because my problems are your fault! Not the fault of the person who decided our nation's entire soul should be built around automobiles, not the fault of all of us for prefering to drive our own vehicles instead of investing in a sensible high-speed rail system, not the fault of our media and education systems that keep us incredibly ignorant of the ways in which alternate systems have succeeded throughout the world, not the fault of the damn pilgrims for settling this land and leaving all subsequent generations with the idea that our nation is the most righteous and perfect nation, indeed, not the fault of the left-lane-slow-person himself, but your fault! In fact, instead of addressing real problems, I think the state of Illinois should have a damn recall, because obviously everything about our underlying system is perfect and we just need to have a better man running the show for all our problems to go away.
In conclusion, America is over. CNN is already working on the obituary documentary. "The late United States of America, although at one time the most powerful nation on earth, came from surprisingly humble beginnings...."
