(11:08 PM) | Adam Kotsko:

Tuesday Night Fever

Now that I've overcome clinical depression, I am much better equipped to handle my 45-60 minute commute to Chicago two days a week. I am finding that if I increase my speed, I can get there faster. The only problem is that sometimes cars get in my way. Oftentimes, there are people (probably left-handed people or people whose fathers beat them with their right hand or who preferred to nurse at their mother's left breast) who are quite frankly addicted to the left lane! They can't get enough of it, and in order to maximize their time in their beloved lane, they drive as slowly as possible. Personally, I understand their desire to act out on the symptoms of their mental illness, but at the same time, there is the very real issue of the social conventions governing lane usage.

Yes, I have written about this before, but this time it's different: I know what to do. No matter how left-addicted these people are, there seems to be one taboo line that their psychosis will not allow them to cross. Thus, in the right circumstances, I might be able to pass them on the shoulder. Perhaps if they saw someone even further to the left, they would start actually driving in the left shoulder and thus be out of my way. Another option is to retrofit the front of my truck with a kind of fork-lift device. I could get right behind the person and place the forks underneath the offending car. Then, unlike with a real forklift, my device would be able to actually flip the car behind me. Sure, it would end up injuring that driver and any unfortunate souls behind them, and the device would undoubtedly strain my budget. But imagine being able to literally dig through traffic. The time spent in traffic jams alone would be worth the price.

Tonight before driving home, my professor of Hebrew Bible, Ken Stone, passed out a survey that CTS is required to have new students fill out for some reason. I was a little bit confused about some of the questions. For instance, it asked how I would describe my general theological orientation, and it ranged from "Very Liberal" to "Very Conservative." What's the glaring omission? "Correct." I just put down "liberal," which is pretty much a synonym. Also, they asked me why I first came to the seminary. Apparently there is this list of set reasons that everyone fits into, and they asked me to pick the best ones for me. Sadly, "I didn't know what the hell else to do because I was not about to spend another year working full-time as a damn 'chiropractic assistant'" was not one of the options. I put down "knew faculty member" and some others.

The best part, though, was when they wanted me to rank all the different things that motivated me to pursue seminary education in general. I could rank each one as "of no importance" to "of greatest importance." I was unable to assign great importance to "felt a call from God," although I did squeeze out a little importance for "seeking God's will," which was the closest synonym I could find for the aforementioned "I didn't know what the hell else to do, &c."

Another fun part of my day was hanging out with a female fellow traveller who didn't seem to realize at first that I was actually hanging out with her. Up to this point, we had always had some kind of pretext, even if it was often somewhat thin ("You're parked in the parking garage? I don't know where that is. Why don't you show me?" -- even though I have no intention of paying for parking in Hyde Park). This time, it was just straight up quality time. She does have a boyfriend, so maybe that's part of the desire to have some kind of "reason." Either that or, like every other person in the entire world, she doesn't quite know how to act around people. I know I'm one of them. In fact, I'm a really strange person, and I doubt that people ever get a really clear idea of whether I like them or not.

That brings me to my conclusion: I think that we need to fill out forms relating to all our relationships every so often. We just need to commit to carrying #2 pencils at all times. Here's a sample question:

Would you rate [insert person's name] as... (circle only one)

1. A person with whom you've been in a situation in which you should have introduced yourself, but you went an awkwardly long time without doing so and thought that it was best to just run with pretending he/she doesn't exist?
   
2. A person you met once and forgot his/her name?
   
3. An acquaintance?
   
4. A close acquaintance?
   
5. A friend you'd feel uncomfortable coming out and calling a "friend"?
   
6. A friend?
   
7. A close friend?
   
8. For women only: a "best friend"?
   
9. A potential love interest?
   
10. A person who makes you feel sexual urges you didn't realize you had?
    
11. A potential spouse?
    
12. A former friend with whom your relationship was ruined when you attempted to take it "to another level"?
    
13. A former friend who ignored the fact that you tried to take the relationship "to another level," leaving you in a constant state of limbo?
    
14. A significant other?
    
15. A former significant other?
    
16. A former significant other's current significant other?
    
17. An actual spouse?
    
18. A former spouse?
    
19. A relative or family friend?
    
20. A pet?
    
21. A prostitute?
    
22. A co-worker?
    
23. Your "hook-up" for illegal drugs?
    
24. A clerk at the local grocery store whom you wish to ask out, but you can't think of a non-creepy way to do it?
    
25. Your family doctor?
    
26. Pat Sajak?
    

I guess that one pretty well covers it. I think a one-question monthly quiz from everyone you know would be reasonable. Then we could just run them through the scantron and give everyone a report, and everyone would know exactly where he or she stands. No more of the guessing games, no more awkwardness -- just the facts.

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