Thursday, December 23, 2004
(8:12 PM) | Adam Kotsko:
Christian Persecution is Real
We at The Weblog have just received an exclusive report of a story sure to dampen any but the most resilient Christmas cheer. A cabal of powerful secularists is just days away from implementing a plan to provide a Final Solution to the Christian Question.The group, drawing its membership from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the Modern Language Association, the nation's press corps, and the Episcopal Church, is planning to storm every Bible-believing church in the nation this coming Sunday, shipping all of the nation's Christians to reeducation camps.
Once there, the unsuspecting Christians will have their beliefs assaulted in every conceivable way. All the young men will be forced to administer and receive blow-jobs and anal sex from each other several times a day. The young women will be forced to dress suggestively, become pregnant, and have abortions. Every marriage will be dissolved, and parents will be tied up and subjected to beatings from their children. Everyone will be given a large American flag and a Zippo-brand lighter; those who refuse to burn the flag and urinate on it will be summarily executed. Every single Christian, from toddlers through great-grandmothers, will be strapped to a desk and forced to sit through a 10th grade biology class and an intro course in biblical studies. Quotes from Nietzsche and Marx will be played on a continuous stream over loudspeakers.
Those who refuse to conform to the practices of the church of Secularism, Sodomy, and Science will be sent to the clandestine Gulags that the MLA has been maintaining in Cambridge, MA, for the past three decades.
Thankfully, since the Christians have advance warning of this dastardly plot, they can take some precautionary measures, drawing on the meager resources at their disposal -- the executive, legislative, and judicial branches of the United States federal government, the US military, and a significant media apparatus of their own. With any luck, this horrifying Neronian conspiracy of reporters, gay priests, and professors of comparative literature can be stopped before Christianity is utterly extinguished in our great nation.
