Wednesday, June 01, 2005
(11:14 AM) | Adam Kotsko:
My self-esteem takes yet another hit
I sent an e-mail to inquire about a writing position for which I had sent in a resume. In the e-mail, I made something like a grammatical error -- forgetting to sweep up the ruins of a sentence I completely changed around. This is a "writing" position.My apocalyptic turn of mind the last couple days has been affected by my financial situation. Today I got another call from the temp agency at 8:30, where it was clear they wanted someone for 9:00. I had my alarm set early enough that I might have been able to make it if I'd gotten up with my alarm, but yesterday I got a call from them about the possibility a more long-term position, so I didn't figure that I'd get one of those short-notice calls today. It's probably no big deal, but being offered work that I can't take is not a good feeling.
I'm starting to realize just how much of my self-identity as an "adult" is tied up with paying my bills on time -- in fact, Ted Jennings often says that in a capitalist society, that's the only way to know whether you're an adult. While that ability is still not in immediate question, it's going to be really tight for the next little bit unless one of these jobs comes through. So no matter how much else is going right -- and a lot is right now, for which I'm really thankful -- not having that baseline of "responsible adulthood" under control is really dragging me down.
Thankfully, I'm a grad student, so I have access to student loans. Grad school: the cause of and solution to all my problems.
I also reflect: this kind of post is the ultimate in decadent confessionalism. It would be somehow less offensively "open" if I were talking about my sex life in this much detail. The fact that I'm willing to put my financial situation out there on a public web site helps to foster the illusion that everything is out there, that I have nothing left to hide, no aspect of my life left in reserve. I have talked about virtually everything in this blog or at least this site -- my "faith struggles," my troubles with the ladies, my self-questioning about education and calling, my attempts to formulate a political view, virtually everything. Virtually.
What you guys don't know is that I am actually the most prolific serial murderer of the last forty years. And now you know that. Full disclosure has been achieved!
