Thursday, May 10, 2007
(1:32 PM) | Adam Kotsko:
Bible Deathmatch
What if the various biblical superheroes had a final battle to determine who is the ultimate biblical badass? This is a question that I discussed at some length yesterday with my CTS colleague Jessica Ireland, and I think it will be helpful to everyone if I write up our conclusions.There are only a few viable candidates: Moses, Samson, Elijah, Elisha, and Jesus. There are other heroes (Ehud obviously comes to mind), but they don't have superpowers. I am listing these characters from the weakest to the strongest, in my estimation; we can debate this in comments.
Samson: Ultimately, I don't think he stands a chance. The big variable, however, is exactly how strong this guy actually is. Yes, he can bring down the whole stadium by pushing on pillars, but what kind of construction quality are we dealing with? The Philistines don't strike me as the type of tribal entity to get hung up on building codes. The same with uprooting the gates at Gaza and carrying them off -- yes, it sounds impressive, but do we really have enough information to go on? His ability to find honey in the carcasses of lions seems like it could work, at best, as a distraction, but I would steer clear of Samson once he gets his hand on a donkey's jawbone.
Elijah: This greatest prophet after Moses specializes in fire-based attacks. Even if you're soaking wet, that won't save you from Elijah's ability to call down fire from heaven. Then, just when you think he's going to jump on his flaming chariot and retreat -- he causes a torrential rain-storm!
Elisha: This is a man who has a deep-seated sense of insecurity and resentment, founded in his frustration at having been confused with Elijah for so long. This is reflected in his best superpower -- the ability to command she-bears, which he is shown deploying against some youths who make fun of his baldness. He has formidable healing powers, but those don't really come into play unless we're envisioning a team battle. His ability to multiply vegetable oil might conceivably come in handy, but he appears to need a certain amount of preexisting oil to start with.
Jesus: Most of Jesus' attacks are defensive in nature -- in addition to being able to retreat by walking on a body of water, he also seems to be able to walk through angry mobs bent on his destruction without being harmed. Additionally, he can throw off his opponents by changing into a little piece of bread in the middle of the battle, and post-resurrection, he is able to walk through walls. His only real offensive attacks are found from his Revelation persona -- in addition to simply freaking out his opponents with his bizarre appearance, he can do some serious damage with his tongue, which doubles as a flaming sword.
Moses: For sheer diversity and destructiveness of attacks, no one can beat Moses, who has no fewer than 10 plagues at his disposal. Let's say Jesus retreats onto the water to try to evade him -- then Moses has the option of either parting the sea or changing it into blood. Jesus might be able to preempt this by changing the body of water into wine, but it's unclear that he's able to walk on liquids other than water. As soon as Jesus regains his composure, he suddenly finds himself buried in frogs and attacked by gnats. In the last resort, of course, Jesus is the firstborn -- not just of Mary, but of all creation -- and so is vulnerable to Moses's legendary Tenth Plague, or would be, if his death and resurrection hadn't permanently liberated him from the power of death. (But of course, with the exception of Elijah, all of the warriors under consideration have suffered physical death already.)
So overall, it seems like Moses is the greatest biblical superhero. But maybe there's something I've overlooked.
