Tuesday, May 15, 2007
(12:41 PM) | bitchphd:
Tuesday Hatred
Boy howdy, do I feel the hate today.I hate that I forgot to post the hatred last night, even though Adam asked me and I was going to do it right away. I hate that I went to go have a smoke first and apparently smoked my brains out. I hate that Adam asked me. I hate that I said yes.
I hate that the novel I'm reading right now is so good that I can only stand to read a chapter at a time. I hate that the novel's subject, child soldiers in Africa, isn't fictional. I hate that my motherfucking internet connection was down this morning.
I hate that I had to spend 30, 45 minutes on the phone with stupid Time Warner trying to figure out what was wrong. I hate that their customer service was actually quite helpful, so that my hatred of them is unjustified. I hate that they seem to think the problem is my airport. I hate that I'm such an idiot about network configurations that I can't prove them wrong. I hate that my idiocy also means that currently I am connecting through an ethernet cable hooked up directly to my husband's laptop, which is sharing its connection through a LAN. I hate that while I'm clever enough to do that, I'm not clever enough to get the fucking ethernet connection to work directly on my laptop, or better yet to get either the old Air Port or the one I use in the study to work.
I hate that I went and looked at houses this morning in the neighborhood I, personally, want to move to and that apparently what we can afford there are all houses that are half the size of the one we're in now. I hate that apparently big houses with big yards in upper middle class sprawltopia are cheaper than cuter, older houses with smaller yards in midtown. I hate that the one house that looks appropriate sizewise also looks like it needs some fairly serious work and is right next to the parking lot for an autoshop. I hate that the neighborhood I want to move to is probably close to sea level. I hate worrying that it'll be under water in 50 years. I hate global warming. I hate having to choose between a neighborhood that's close to PK's school next year and funky and apparently much more my personal style, and upper middle class high ground big houses sprawl. I hate knowing that this decision just proves what a rich spoiled American I am.
I hate that my house is perpetually messy. I hate that I am so lazy and cranky about keeping it cleaner. I hate that we don't have a housekeeper. I hate the idea of spending the time to find one. I hate the feeling that I should apologize for complaining about how good help is hard to find, so I refuse to do so: fuck that shit, I want someone to clean my house. I hate that my eating and exercise habits are so completely lame. I hate knowing that this is all my own fault and probably contributes to my sloth and crankiness.
I hate that the article I finished yesterday has to use Chicago style for its citations. I hate doing citations. I hate that I have a talk to write this week as well as finishing the citations for that article. I hate that I have another article due in two weeks. I hate complaining about having two articles and a talk to write, which is really awesome and I should be thrilled. I hate knowing I should be thrilled, even though I am. I hate feeling ambivalent. I hate having to balance my writing pace and pattern with having to pick PK up from school and run errands and all the other horseshit that runs at a completely different pace and pattern. I hate having to be especially busy on days when I have the car. I hate being lazy enough to be car-dependent for errands rather than just getting on my damn bike like I wish I would.
I hate that yesterday, because my husband was late home from work, I had to cancel my bi-weekly errand of taking my aunt with M.S. to her Shakespeare reading group. I hate taking her to the reading group every other Monday night. I hate the fact that I hate doing it. I hate that she has M.S. I hate the combined obligation/pity/resentment that go along with having to try to help someone who is almost entirely incapacitated retain some quality of life. I hate knowing that I should drive over to see her this evening with PK to make up for last night.
I hate feeling busy. I hate feeling like I have nothing to do. I hate that I make promises to people. I hate that I get cranky about keeping my promises. I hate that sometimes I don't keep my promises. I hate trying to be good. I hate being unselfish. I hate that I am so selfish. I hate that I have such a shitty attitude.
