Tuesday, May 06, 2008
(12:00 AM) | Adam Kotsko:
Tuesday Hatred: Then There Was One
I hate that I still have one more exam to look forward to. I hate being afraid to start my dissertation because I'm afraid to be finished. I hate that I've been letting go of language maintenance for the sake of exams and how frustrating it's going to be initially when I start back up.I hate Unfogged commenter James B. Shearer, and I hate the misguided liberal tolerance that allows him to keep posting there.
I hate not hearing back at the promised time about a potential job.
I hate that I'm unlikely to find work for the summer and don't really want a job anyway, so I should take out another student loan. I hate that if I do take out a student loan, there will be no real reason for me not to take some kind of language class to learn how to actually speak something other than language -- I have enough trouble socially interacting in English.
I hate my general boredom and anhedonia. I hate not knowing what I want from people, and I also hate not knowing what they want but assuming I must be letting them down in some way. I hate running into people I didn't realize I never wanted to see again, and I hate situations that trigger negative associations -- especially when the negative association itself leads to a vicious circle of self-beratement.
I hate lapsing back into the despairing attitude that went out of style on The Weblog some time in 2005. I hate feeling that my best days of blogging are far behind me -- to be precise, I hate that I care that I don't care about that. That last clause is a testament to what it's like to have about 14 levels of self-reflexivity floating around at all times.
UPDATE: All you need is Tuesday Love.
