Sunday, October 26, 2003
(3:02 AM) | Anonymous:
I'm Never Gonna Know You Now, But I'm Gonna Love You Anyhow
Elliott Smith, the musician, apparently committed suicide on Tuesday.
I'm late to report this, and most of you already know, but..I'm somewhat shocked right now, and figured I'd tell anyone else who didn't know.
I consider myself a major fan and didn't know about it until I happened to go to his site tonight to see what the status of his new album was. It was strange to do the cliche thing of thinking it was a joke, and then suddenly feeling more and more sick.
It's weird to see someone who had meant so much to you pass away, considering that you had no clue of who they were. All that Adam talks about regarding the strange relationship between a band and a listener seems to come to a head with overwhelming clarity.
I've just typed and re-typed this paragraph about 7 times trying to express the fact that I feel overwhelmingly sad that someone I never knew died. I think to over-dramatize this fact now would just be some petty attempt at "I'm hurt more than you other fans," and I can't do that. Admittedly, part of me is selfish, I am saddened that there will be no more music. Admittedly, part of me is apathetic - I'm still going to sit and finish reading The Crying Of Lot 49, and then go to bed. I'm not going to lose sleep over this. And yet, in some ways, Elliot Smith dying will affect me more than a lot of deaths involving people much closer to me. I've listened to a cd of his at least three times a week for the last two years, and now, though I'll undoubtedly do so again, it will never be the same. Each lyric, like the title for instance, will somehow have the capacity to bring me closer to tears than it did before, and it was pretty close before.
I wasn't into music when John Lennon died, when Jeff Buckley died, and when Kurt Cobain died, so I apologize if these conflicting feelings are well-trod ground for many of you. But, Smith was undoubtedly the best song writer of the current time, in my mind. There's many stories of how he would always take fans who couldn't get tickets to his shows and put them on his guest list to get in free. I think that's probably pretty demonstrative of the generosity he was capable of. It saddens me to think that even having a close knit group of fans nightly showing their appreciation of him, spending hours upon hours doing webpages devoted to him, sending him supportive e-mail, screaming "I Love You!" and all these other typical signs that people really do care about him was not enough to keep Elliott from stabbing a knife in his chest while his girlfriend was out of the house. It's incomprehensible, and deeply disturbing.
I've got to stop now because that same, previously mentioned over-dramatic voice is taking over and I could ramble on for many paragraphs. I'll close just by saying thanks to Elliott for the inspiration his music gave me, along with the feeling of comfort in knowing someone else has been as depressed as I am, or as happy, or as angry, which his music so vibrantly displayed. Also, I'm sorry that no one was able to convince you that your capacity for empathy with others was returned to the best of our abilities in our situations. I hope you've found some sort of peace, and I wish I were better at stating what I mean.
