Thursday, January 01, 2004
(11:10 AM) | Adam Kotsko:
Kotsko's New Years Predictions
Slacktivist, following the lead of the inimitable William "Bill" Safire, has several outlandish predictions for the upcoming year. This is a perfect opportunity to highlight the difference between me and most other pundits: whereas others basically make shit up for their New Year's predictions, mine are informed and correct. Here's a brief sample:
- Although citrus flavored toothpaste will continue to grow in popularity, mint-based flavors will remain very much the mainstream in the next year.
- Glenn Reynolds, the secret identity of "InstaPundit," will continue to spout of incoherent nonsense like the following:
These folks [the Palestinians] are our enemies, and deserve to be treated as such. They don't deserve a state of their own. It's not clear that they even deserve to keep what they've got [Editor's Note: It's not entirely clear what the Palestinians "have got," since they're living in abject poverty under foreign occupation]. I don't think this means that the Bush Administration should be taking direct action against them -- closing off their funding via shutting down Saddam is a good start, and a policy of slow strangulation directed at Arafat and his fellow terrorists is probably the most politic at the moment. We need to try to squeeze off the EU funding, too, especially now that it's been admitted to be part of a proxy war by the EU [our historic allies and fellow defenders of civilization and progress] not just against Israel, but America [In case you didn't catch that, apparently he thinks that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a proxy war between America, which supports overwhelming conventional military power, and Europe, which now apparently supports terrorist activities. I guess that, in InstaPunditLand, the EU is the new Soviet Union. But guess what -- we're not fighting the Cold War anymore. Sometimes, things happen in the world that means that the model we've been using for foreign policy has to change. The Founders recognized that sometimes "in the course of human events," a change of thinking was necessary. If only our current patriots could have the same insight].
His popularity will only increase as a result of his growing incoherence. Also, he will continue to overuse the word "Indeed," often mistaking the word for a complete sentence in and of itself, despite the fact that it doesn't actually express any content or thought. - Jared Woodard will write a best-selling memoir entitled, "I Used to Be a Leninist, Until I Realized that Neoconservatism is the New Leninism, Then Switched to Being a Neoconservative Instead, Because There's More Money in it." His publisher will shorten the title to, "Liberals Are Stupid: I Should Know Because I Used to Be One."
- Josh Marshall will continue to give us the inside juice.
- There will be an orderly election that will not necessitate a violent bloodbath. The election will be incredibly close, reflecting our sharply divided nation, but a winner will be declared in a vaguely lawful manner and will reign with the same arrogant self-assurance of someone who has captured 75% of the vote.
- More tax cuts will be enacted.
- The federal debt will skyrocket.
- At least two African nations will be submerged in a vicious civil war during all or part of the coming year.
- The United States, at the request of Microsoft, will go to war with Brazil due to the Latin American nation's insistence on using Linux. Ignoring widespread global protest, the Bush administration will argue that the only way for a nation to become prosperous and free is to set up their economy so that no matter what activity occurs or product is made, a large corporation will receive a cut. As a direct result of the war, the United Nations will send the U.S. a strongly worded letter.
- "Dilbert" comics will be cut out of the paper and posted in various offices.
- The Simpsons will finally jump the shark.
I have several others, but I think you get the idea. Have a wonderful New Year.
