Sunday, June 19, 2005
(5:52 PM) | bitchphd:
Lying to children
This is a terrible follow-on to Adam's last post, but then I am a terrible person. A few posts ago, Joe Drymala commented on the way the Calvin & Hobbes strip always had these great lies the father told the kid, but then said, no, parents shouldn't lie to children.Well, bullshit. Lying to little kids is fun. Lies we have told Pseudonymous Kid:
1. Baby oil is made of squished babies. (This is a favorite, and has now turned into a game: "What is ___ oil made of? Squished ___!!!")
2. Play-doh is made from little kids who got play-doh stuck under their fingernails and didn't wash their hands. It kind of takes over your body, and you just turn into play-doh. That's why play-doh is different colors: it depends what color shirt the kid was wearing at the time.
3. If you don't stop acting up, I'm going to take you downstairs and lock you in the trunk of the car so I can finish shopping. (This got an audible gasp from the woman on the other side of the bra rack.)
4. You know that pirate treasure we got at Disneyland? (Plastic jewels, you shovel 'em into a little black velveteen bag the way you do shiny rocks at national parks.) Well, the way I got that was, after we got off the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, I was carrying your toy Peter Pan sword, so I snuck back into the ride and stole the pirate treasure! And then I fought with the pirates and scared them all away, so that I could get pirate treasure for you.
5. Mama may look tame, but she is a wild animal. Mama weighs 3000 lbs, and can run 30 miles per hour, three times faster than you can. Many people are gored by mama every year. Do not anger mama. (This, more or less verbatim, from a sign warning people about the bison at Yellowstone.)
