Sunday, August 28, 2005
(9:44 PM) | Adam Kotsko:
Say Goodbye to the Summer
Now that I am having to pay all this money for this stupid car wreck I was in, once again, I am back to how things were all summer long -- putting everything on the credit card, thinking "oh man it's going to be so great once I get that paycheck," worrying about how close I am going to have to cut it on the rent and such again this month. I am really angry about that, and I have been getting more angry. I've hated this summer -- the stress, the worry, the social isolation, all of which contributed to the fact that I just haven't been at all able to concentrate on getting the stuff done that I thought I was going to be able to do this summer and that I still think I could have done this summer if it weren't for the nights of going to bed at 10:00 because I was so fucking depressed and wanted to get another day over with or just all the emotional energy that was sucked out of me by being signed up for four temp agencies and sending out forty resumes and still being unemployed until the end of June.The thing that bothers me the most is that I can do it -- I can continue to live like this, things can go on like this indefinitely and there will be no breakdown, no collapse, no "crisis moment" when everything changes. I can live a life of constant worry and stress, if necessary. I was so happy when I finally decided that it was over, and then a week fucking later, here we are again -- this is the crappy summer that will not die. Just like before, I know there's a horizon, but do I really know? Who's to say? My life is actually pretty fragile here -- it wouldn't take much for me to be just screwed in the long term, if you think about it. I have something of a safety net in terms of access to student loans, but that's just delaying the problem, potentially putting me in an even more precarious situation further down the road. And I suppose I can live with a lifelong burden of crushing debt, just like I can live with constant worry and stress -- that is, as long as I can sleep eleven hours a few nights a week and drink enough coffee to keep me from actually physically breaking something.
That's what bothers me is that it's all so possible, so doable -- that my life can just keep on moving forward regardless of how I feel about it, that this time can slip away when I feel like so much more has been possible. It's not the fucking "accomplishments" that I failed to achieve, ultimately, though being able to do the work that I find most satisfying would be a pleasant by-product. It's the times when I could have been happy, when I could have been enjoying life, when I could have been enjoying fellowship and community -- and instead I was frustrated and angry and alone.
