Tuesday, January 23, 2007
(12:00 AM) | Claire:
Passing the Torch of Hatred
This past month has been emotionally trying; I've put my relationship on the line for the sole purpose of entertaining you, the readers. Some of you were intrigued by the saga, others were incensed by the "puppetry" and "shadowboxing". Whatever your opinion, you bore witness to pivotal events in Weblog history. To the majority of you, I want to say thank you for your positive comments; your enthusiasm; your support. I leave you with some of my most profound and heartfelt hatred to date.I hate that some of you have been questioning my existence.
I hate that I am questioning my existence.
I hate that I'm actually excited to be shredding papers.
I hate that I'm so out of touch with sports that I asked someone wearing beads if it was Mardi Gras.
I hate that I have Justin Timberlake's "My Love" on repeat in my head.
I hate that in the Hippie's absence, Boring Married Guy served me my coffee.
I hate that Marta's Finnish friend took me seriously when I said that I wanted to move to Finland to be a mushroom harvester.
I hate that a Finnish mushroom harvester earns a better salary than I do.
I hate that even when fantasizing about picking mushrooms in an idyllic Finnish forest, I soon have visions of being accosted by woodland claims trolls who dump papers on a nearby stump and say, "These are for whenever."
I hate that I am sought after by alcoholic men of all stripes.
I hate that our newest employee is overly enthusiastic and has a pear-shaped head.
I hate that Ben Wolfson has outed our relationship as functional and I can no longer post dramatic pleas for his affection.
[Editor's note: Claire was initially given a one-month appointment as Hater, but unbeknownst to her, I have decided to promote her to full-time indefinite Hatred duties. Whether this is a reward or a punishment is unclear, but one thing isn't: Claire exists, and she is going to continue to fill our lives with hate every Tuesday right here at The Weblog. -- AK]
