I'm really tired today and I'm afraid I'm just not up to being funny.

I met with Kotsko last week to discuss the Life and Times of Big Calabaza international conference, but our conversation quickly dissolved into blog gossip. I will tell you that Kotsko's level of self esteem is positively correlated with how much time he spends with me. This is an indisputable fact.

A couple days ago, I relapsed into blog PTSD after I outed CR's location and thought I was responsible for his murder. I later found out that although there was an attempt on his life, he survived with a broken hand and a severed T1 line. I suspect a certain LATOBC reader was responsible, but I have no substantive evidence.

I hate that I rolled out of bed at the time I was supposed to be at work and arrived a half an hour late. I hate that I look like a slacker college student with my ripped flare-leg jeans, "Que pasa calabaza?" t-shirt, and water sandals.

I hate that I'm working on a new blog character: a washed up former porn star named Dick Manitoba.

I hate that I'd like to introduce a new feature to the hatreds-- Hot Man of the Week, or perhaps, The Tuesday Man-Sausage. This week features Joseph Gordon Levitt, of the indie films "Brick" and "Mysterious Skin." I know he looks young, but I guarantee he's legal.

I hate that some of you may feel threatened by these images, but I think it's important that you experience "the female gaze."

I hate that as I was walking home from my painting class, I was hit by a flying egg.

I hate that I'll never know who did this to me.

I hate that I stole the pseudonym "Assblaster, PMP" and attempted to hijack a comment thread.

I hate that I'm about to send an admiring male fan selected results of my Google image search on Ron Jeremy.

I hate that I'm funnier than Carlos Mencia, yet I don't have my own show on Comedy Central.

I hate that I answer three hundred fucking phone calls per day -- and 90% are from parents who think their children's bad behavior is due to a curious biological disorder called ADHD.