Saturday, November 01, 2003
(12:42 PM) | Anonymous:
The Dream That Stuff Was Made Of
I've tried to refrain from sharing dreams on here, because I've found that even when I just tell them to close friends, they aren't nearly as funny as they are to me. It has something to do with how, you know, I actually saw this stuff and how hillarious it was, and they have no possible way to replicate that and only my lunatic ravings upon waking to go on at all.
That said, I'm about to share a dream. But, I do so because I think this one has universal appeal, and I can describe it shorter than I describe other dreams..
See, what makes it very strange is that my internet and cable went out sometime on the night of the 30th..so when I went to bed I'd been without major media for some time, and really got none of the usual "scary haloween" programming. AND YET
(bubble bubble bubble bubble)
The movie at first involved me and some girl getting chased around an oil rig by - get this villain's name - THE HEN-MAKER. His special weapon was a brightly colored box cutter - maybe he was a terrorist? I don't know, but at one point he lifted up his special HEN-MAKER mask and revealed, get this, John Malkevich, with red feathers in his hair, a de-formed face, a beak, a curly mustache like 1930's villains, and a Hulk Hogan bandana around his neck.
THE HEN-MAKER killed the girl, who I think was my "sugar" and slit my akle..which would really hurt now that I think about it..before I heroically captured him and sent him to trial. I then reported back to the navy, certain though I was, as I let everyone know, that THE HEN-MAKER would probably just get sent to some low-budget insane asylum rather than jail, and would be after me later on (Foreshadowing anyone?!?!).
This naval crew was the laziest bunch of nothing-men ever. Like, at one point we broke into a musical number of what was supposed to be the theme from McHale's Navy, because I kept running around saying "YOU GUYS ARE LAZY, THIS IS LIKE MCHALE'S NAVY AND I HAVE A MURDEROR ON MY HANDS!" I realize that that sentence made no sense, but I can't be held accountable. I don't know whether what they sang was the McHale's Navy theme, but it's highly doubtful, as I don't think I've ever seen McHale's Navy to know it's theme, and this "song" just involved some weird chords and them chanting "McHale's Navy, The Lazy Navy, The Navy That Never Stops!" over and over again.
The head of the navy was played by - get this- John Malkevich AGAIN! I have no clue whether this was a double role a la Hayley Mills in The Parent Trap, or whether the navy chief was later to be revealed as THE HEN-MAKER, I simply didn't get far enough, which saddens me. However, Malkevich eventually stops his singing and that of the crew, and declares that he's going to take certain members with him to Bennigan's for "LA FIESTA OF GOOD." (I really need my dreams to start coming up with better titles for stuff, because..I mean..to start with, Bennigan's isn't even Mexican food!). Malkevich originally just picks the upper staff and 6 hot women. But at this point we realize that 87% of my navy group is hot women, so he takes everyone but me and a pitiful handful of others. Except, he did leave one extremely hot girl who stayed behind because she had "heard tales of this HEN-MAKER" and wanted to see if anything came of my ranting. That was her excuse, I still say she wanted me.
So, like, 12 people were left when everyone was gone, and it was perfect slasher flick demographics. I mean, you had me, the lovable dork of a hero, a handful of geeks, the hot girl who obviously wanted me even though I was oblivious to her goings-ons, and then there was a jock guy, and, lest I be accused of my dreams being racist, there was a black guy, an oriental guy, and even an American Indian.
So, the geeks went to look up this HEN-MAKER on the internet, which allowed the rest of us to develop the back story. All I really remember is me saying that he was some monster talked about in the Odyssey, which I'm pretty sure is entirely untrue. Then we overheard the Geeks, who had found some virtual online game that started at 5 pm, it was like 4:30 when they found this on the net, so..I'm sure somehow THE HEN-MAKER was going to use the game to find out where we were at, but I woke up to my alarm at that time. The buzzing of the alarm provided a few last moment fears though as the geek guys had "something go terribly wrong" in their game. And here I thought that alarm seeping into the dream only happened in movies!
So, really, that's it. But I thought it was pretty crazy and humorous, yet will probably regret writing this when I'm more awake. It's funny how when you first wake up, whatever dream you had seems like the funniest or "craziest" or most insightful thing ever, and then within 30 minutes, or even in the 10-15 minutes it took me to write this, the dream starts fading from memory, and so does the coolness. I tried to capture the zaniness, if not the coolness here, I think I failed miserably, but if nothing else, I still think it's amazing that without seeing any TV or internet all day on Halloween, I managed to dream a stereotypical slasher flick with supposed Greek references.
