Tuesday, January 30, 2007
(10:33 AM) | Claire:
Weblog Terrorist CellsAs most of you are probably aware, it's been a rough week for me. One reader has likened my posts to weekly shitstorms that descend upon the Weblog. I would be lying if I said this hasn't affected me. As a result, I did what most all-American bloggers would do: I parked myself in front of the TV, switched on Fox News, grabbed a box of tissues and a package of Entenmann's Glazed Chocolate Pop 'Ems, and wept. While watching a particularly fair and balanced episode of Hannity and Colmes, I was finally able to gain insight into my detractor's mindset: he doesn't hate my posts; he hates my Freedom.
I'll admit that my lifestyle had changed drastically since I moved up to the Associate Poster position. I've taken up residence in the Weblog compound in Suburban Illinois, where I frequently enjoy sexual favors from the tenured posters. I am free to disregard punctuation and other rules by which commenters (commoners?) are bound. My posting and comment topics are unrestricted and can switch without warning from HMO politics to anal fisting. I understand that my artistic and sexual freedom, as well as my luxurious lifestyle, will cause some deep resentment from those who have yet to achieve Associate Poster status. And I worry that as the gap between the associates, adjuncts, tenureds and the commenters grows wider, we will see the hostility from those left behind intensify. It is reasonable for all of you to expect increased acts of blog terrorism from disgruntled, disenfranchised commenters. I don't claim to have an answer to this problem. I reluctantly submit my hatreds, fully realizing that I'm a willing participant in a never-ending cycle of Weblog violence.
I hate that the turkey loaf I made has the consistency and odor of Nine Lives cat food.
I hate that it is 10am and I have already polished off two slices of turkey loaf.
I hate that now that I've finished the Glazed Chocolate Pop 'Ems, there's really nothing else to look forward to.
I hate that as it's been snowing the past few days, I've convinced myself that global warming can't be that bad.
I hate that 13% of all Americans have never heard of global warming.
I hate that I'm only a flappy bird in the douche-cock ecosystem.
I hate that no one takes my PhD in Philosophy from an online university seriously.
I hate that narcissists, by their very nature, are unlikely to be able to tolerate therapy.
I that I have this exchange every day:
Caller: Can I speak to Joe?
Me: I'm sorry he's on the phone right now.
Caller: No. I spoke to a woman.
Me: No, Joe's a man. I know- I work with him.
Caller: Well, I spoke to a woman.
I hate that Kreszentia Cheeseman doesn't have her own blog.
If you're feeling more inclined to love today, check out Richard McElroy's Tuesday Love
Hasta next week.