Tuesday, October 14, 2003
(10:04 AM) | Adam Kotsko:
On complaints
I have noticed a trend in life. Whenever anyone (not only myself) points out another person's mistakes, shortcomings, or inconsiderate actions, that person will inevitably show a disproportionate defensiveness. Even the most minor complaint unleashes a torrent of excuses and counteraccusations -- in the end, the accuser is the real jerk, the accuser should have to apologize.
The most frequently deployed counter-accusation is "let it go" But what is talking about a problem but precisely an attempt to let it go? The specific complaint is usually not the issue -- even if it "would be nice" if the person would pick up his dishes or stop hogging the covers, that's not what's really at stake. People generally don't change, and everyone is aware of this. The function of complaints (at least in a normal person) is to request a kind of acknowledgement. Were the accused to make some kind of deal with the accuser (I'll always clean the bathroom if you always clean the kitchen, and we must never speak of this again), the effect would be disappointment. All the complainer is usually asking for is a simple, unqualified, "Sorry." It doesn't have to be sincere. It doesn't have to be the start of a new phase of life. It doesn't have to be the end of the conversation. It does have to happen.
It's true that complaints can become excessive and pathological, but I think that most people who complain excessively are those whose complaints were never acknowledged properly. These are often also the people who are most defensive. For these people, life is a constant battle, a struggle to prove oneself worthy in the eyes of the other, who with one word can destroy the relationship. Foibles that are objectively "not a big deal" become a big deal when they become taboo subjects. Keeping complaints constantly inside is a perfect way to allow them to fester and to become true obstacles to life together.
I'm having a hard time bringing this to a conclusion, especially since I am known for my complaints. I also have a bad habit of keeping problems to myself, then complaining behind other people's backs. I'm sorry about that. I've probably done that about virtually everyone who reads this page, at least those who know me personally. My only explanation is my fear of this very pattern, of being told that I am the rude one, I am the stupid one, and that I obviously have some psychological problem, every time I verbalize someone else's rudeness or inconsideration. That fear often leads me to exaggerate my complaints and wait until a moment when the other person is decisively and indefensibly wrong. It also leads me to use sarcasm, as a way of implicitly disowning what I say. It leads me to speak in anger, waiting until I become disproportionately upset before I even say anything, thus cutting off a chance for a real conversation.
Even with my behavior in mind, however, this phenomenon is real, and it needs to stop. People need to stop experiencing other people as persecutors. People need to stop using minor faults as an excuse to shame people and cut off relationships. We need some way to talk about the minor, practical issues of life without calling the underlying relationship into question. When we hear such complaints, we need to hear them for what they really are: requests for acknowledgement and ultimately, requests for love.
